12:13PM - Super Action Zeppo - Now with even more Commodore!

me: "The doctor seemed impressed with your recovery so far."
"Well the explanation is - I AM amazing!"

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3:52PM - An open letter to the creators of NOVA

To whom it may concern,

Let me first say that as an annoying intellectual type who gets a boner every time she hears the words "lost civilization," I have enjoyed nearly all of your documentary efforts thus far.
 

6:20PM - Commodore update

As some of you may or may not know the Commodore suffered a small hemorrhagic stroke about a week ago.  Dutifully I hopped a plane to Portland to take care of things out this way.  The only damage that occurred happened in his language center.  His motor skills and logic centers are mercifully unaffected.  The woman at the rehab place where he is (as he puts it) "incarcerated" says she is impressed with his recovery overall and his prognosis is good.
It is interesting to see in real time his brain try and re-route around the damage, while he searches for the word that he means and his brain replaces it with something that seems related.  It is pretty fascinating really.

Of course this makes his already bizarre discourse all the more entertaining, if not more confusing.  I have to explain to the staff frequently that he was "like this before the stroke."

So without further ado, direct quotes from the Commodore:

me: Dad what are you doing?
(while pulling a bottle from a panel in his desk) I am having a little gin.
me: Are you crazy, you can't have that!
no it's okay... it is after 3:00.

me: (walking in on him surfing porn) Dad!!! for the love of God please shut that off right now!
What? you don't want to watch this?
me: No, I really really don't!
Is it beause she isn't a natural blonde?

I still haven't gotten my stuff from the Veterans's administration, so I thought you could write your friend for me and ask him to help me out.
me: What friend are you referring to?
You know that guy you worked for and like so much, he has the good looking wife and kids...
me: Are you talking about President Obama?
That's it!

You know I have a lot to offer a woman...
me: Like being feeble and verbose?
I am also very tall.

You know I still can't believe your mother went all "rogue" on me before she died.
me: Are you talking about her converting to Catholicism?
Yeah

You know I watched the woman put the code in to shut alarm off for the front door (rehab) last night - I think I can make a break for it.

me: I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to the urologist's office when we can just pay this bill over the phone?
We HAVE to go there, you need to drive me right now!
me: But why?  There is a phone number right here on the bill?
(yelling and shaking his fist) Don't you understand?! I am in love with the receptionist!
me:  I thought you were in love with that woman at the dentist office.
oh yeah... well, I love her too.

 

12:04PM - really not listening

This is the nearly identical conversation I just had with TWO of the major credit companies, I am frankly afraid to call the third.

"Hello this is 'insert name here' credit company, how can I help you?"

me - "Good Morning, my mother is recently deceased and we were notified yesterday that an account had been fraudulently opened in her name. I have filed ID Theft case with the Social Security administration and spoken to the State Attorney General's office about how to proceed. They both recommended that in addition to sending the death certificate to the companies involved in trying to collect the debt, that we also send a copy of the death certificate to all three credit companies however it was strongly suggested we send them certified mail - return receipt requested. All I am able to locate for your company is a PO Box, do you happen to have a street address?"

"I am afraid I cannot help you with your mother's account, she will need to call us herself to address any problems or concerns with her credit report."

me - "Well since my mother is playing cards with JESUS right now, I think she is a bit busy to phone.

12:12PM - The Path

One of the main reasons we got our property for so cheap was that a large power line was going to be strung right through the center of the property from corner to corner. After much investigating about things that happen to you when you live under power lines, we brought the property anyway because as it turns out I am actually living just as close to a power line where I am right now in suburbia than I will be on my own property.
Fifty acres is a lot of damn space as it turns out.

I also have a strange affection for the compelling swaths of open green fields under power lines with thick woods on either side that go and on for miles. I used to dream of packing a bag and walking along the grassy miles just to see where I ended up.

We heard from the neighbors they carved out the 150 foot easement so we drove up to take a look. We took the white dog with us for the first time up there. We just let him run.
I am not sure I have ever seen a dog so happy.


Now I will have my own grassy road right in the middle of my place, like my own personal freeway. Right now however it looks like a great monster plowed through leaving destruction in its wake.
I still want to follow it.

12:38PM - Official

So - this is me giving up.
This year marks the 11th anniversary that I threw my contraceptives away in the trash with a big ta-da and followed with some uncoordinated dancing in the hallway.

That was a lifetime ago and if you had told me then I would be sitting here officially giving up on ever being somebody's parent well I would have harbored a serious skepticism. I mean I have already been through so much and managed to get out the other side after climbing through miles of metaphysical horseshit; I felt it was impossible that universe would lay THAT on me as well.

Recently after two minutes of serious consideration of pulling a "Raising Arizona" on that low rent Jolie Octo-mom with the 14 kids, I have since decided to officially hang up the baby towel.

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11:44AM - For Valentine's day

I would like to present the short list of people I intended to marry when I was in the 5th grade:

Han Solo
Keith Moon
Chuck Barris
George Sanders
Steve Martin
Willy Wonka
Bill Daily (Roger from "I dream of Jeannie")
John Lennon
Jimmy Stewart
Salvador Dali
Mr. Spock
Linus Van Pelt
David Bowie

Considering the guy I am currently married to, I am trying to figure out who I got the closest to.

11:30AM - Valentinies

I have started a new blog off LJ's golden shores.
I came across a scrapbook of my mother's full of nothing but valentine's day cards 60+ years old. So I am posting them one by one until I run out of cards or acerbic commentary.
Spread the word!

http://mymomsvalentines.blogspot.com/

11:14AM - Diverted - part II

The assistant lit several things, charcoal sparked and Frankincense sent ribbons of smoke spiraling up towards me. They stood me up and did strange and exotic things that I had no reference for. An odd wooden cross with lovely things dangling from it were shaken in front of me and I was entirely fascinated. The ordinary brown egg I had brought was then rubbed unbroken over every inch of my person while incantations were uttered. The egg was then broken into a glass of hot water and set aside.

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11:10AM - Diverted - part I

Saturday I watched a person who was a stranger to me rub an unbroken egg over the tops of my feet.

Let me back up.

I grew up in a terrible situation. When you have magical traumatic buttons like these installed deep in your personality no amount of therapy or meds or Jesus or clean living uninstalls them completely. The residue manifests itself in interesting ways - in my case I designed an entire creepy fairy land where my spectacular terrors manifest into large benign structures. My therapist told me once I should try and match each project up to each traumatic experience. I haven't done it yet, I would rather it be an epiphany to me while I am knee deep in concrete or bolting together the top of my geodesic dome.

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10:50AM - The Commodore has left the building

Before he whisked off to Vancouver however a few more precious gems fell from his lips.

"Those people were pretty nice considering they were Christian and all"


This was uttered to the people at the train depot museum, whom he had just met 15 minutes prior,
Commodore: “Let me see if I can buy you folks a railroad car to go on those empty tracks over there."
Person running the museum: "uh well, that would be very generous of you."
Commodore: "You would let me come and sit in it... right?"


Pronounced very loudly at a 4 star restaurant,
"This place is MUCH better than Taco Bell!"


Spoken to a French Waiter, "Can you bring my daughter here a Beefeater gin martini straight up with a lemon twist? We need to keep her on her toes. Also bring us some Molluscan Gastropoda and two spoons!"


Yelled into the phone, "What they don't understand is that I am a man with needs!"


"Your friends seemed relatively intelligent, but I am really amazed by their children."
me: "How so?"
"They owned such well mannered infants, there was no snot-nosed screaming and wailing like the horrid little street urchins that most children are..."


I don’t want to be called a diabetic, I prefer ‘Sugar Cripple.’


"You know the second I kissed her hand I could tell she used to be a man"

12:24PM - Wild Kingdom Hedonism

There are a lot of personal areas in which I need work: I am a slob, I run my mouth too often and I hardly trust a soul not to plunge a knife into my back on a whim.
That being said my observational skills have always been excellent, although handy the skill has never served me in any meaningful or specific way - until now.

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11:08AM - I have been wrecked!

One of my favorite blogs ever is Cake Wrecks which can always pry me out of the foulest mood I can muster.
My friend Diana sent me note congratulating me and lo and behold, my special cake wreck genius has been recognized!

Diana's magical rat head cake - recognize!
Happy New Year everybody!

3:29PM - Novelty peaks when the Commodore is in town

I picked my father up yesterday from the airport sporting a cane and an Indiana Jones hat. He complained that the doctor was making him carry a cane where ever he goes now. I wanted to remind him that he already owns an extensive collection of canes since he always had them as some kind of gesticulating device when I was growing up and the only difference between now and then is now they have become utilitarian and therefore suddenly annoying.

a list of direct quotes so far:

"Sarah can you look at my head, there is something going on back there..."

"People who do not properly edit books are a rash upon society"

"Why would someone want to smell like Jello?" (me)"That says 'fragrances by J-Lo' dad."

"Be honest, do you think black people are being nicer to me?"

leaning over a counter "This is a scam, like bottled water. I feel dirty just being in here. (me)"Dad could you please just let the man make my coffee?"

Who is Mrs. Susan Raspberry? (me)"I dont know why?" "She is stuck to my shoe."

Your brother has been writing smaller lately - do you think that effects his self esteem?"

Do you think (insert family name here)is having an affair? (me) uhh I don't think so why? "Well there was that guy who used come around and it was a little acey duecey no peeky nine card baseball crampa tampa 9s 7s and split berry kings wild."

*for the record I made him repeat that last one three times to make sure I had it right.

1:16PM - The holiday season is upon us and I am in business!

Here is my website for custom Munny ordering that shows my work so far:
http://www.gardenfantasma.com/munny/

I am not limited to Munnys, I am perfectly willing to customize Dunnys, Qees, Señor Blancos, even a Sqwert if you really want.

Hit me!

1:21PM - Watching

In the early eighties when I started reading comics regularly I was very "girlish" about it. Let me clarify, comics that appeal generally to females have a certain flavor about them. They are either extremely fantastical or very introspective and personal. Sometimes they are both. The standard dude in tights rushing in to save innocent bystanders only appealed to me in theory plus I was completely in love with the art which could be distracting since the stories rarely spoke to me. It was easy for me to breeze through a superhero comic and even though I had read it, I couldn't tell you what it was about but I could tell you what the characters were wearing and what expression or explosion was the rendered in a way that I dug. I couldn't make it very far into Spiderman, or Superman or even Wonder Woman for that matter. The exception was Batman because he was just an ordinary human, impossibly flawed and neurotic and THAT was the perfect sand for me to get stuck in. The rest of the time I was either knee deep in the torment of Love and Rockets or being mindless with Peter Bagge's Neat Stuff.

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12:51PM - Encomium

When the elevator doors opened the big brown sign was directly in our line of vision: "ICU UNIT -->"
All ICU waiting rooms are the same, filled with human beings rendered into featureless nubs by lack of sleep and constant worry. They stare at me through red rimmed eyes when I pick up the wall phone and asked to be buzzed in.

We make our way through the horseshoe of the critical ward up to the point where I crossed the threshold of the door, I refused to believe what I was told I was going to see: Robi in a coma.

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3:08PM - It's True

I suppose everyone has little personal markers that they judge situations by. For instance if someone says "so and so was the worst movie ever!" I immediately wonder if it was worse than "Congo" as that is my high water mark for bad films.
So when I say that the two months I spent as a homeless person was the best thing that ever happened to me, it is partially because I have a solid marker now that I can effectively judge personal disasters against.

The last month or so has been strange and unsettling for me, my mother passed away and my husband unexpectedly out of work has fallen into emotional distress. Our savings account had been completely diminished from my having to fly/drive back and forth to care for my mother over the course of nearly two years.
The current economic crisis has caused my carefully tended 401K to lose so much money I was forced to stop looking at it.
Due to a hurricane and some other bureaucratic nonsense the City of Atlanta is without gasoline. I have not driven anywhere for eight days because the gasoline level in the car dropped so low that I am unable to drive anywhere to find gas stations, nor can I wait in line without running out.
Our secondary vintage car that gets better gas mileage died on Friday.
I tentatively entered into a plan regarding my fertility which I am now unable to pay for and unable to travel there to get treatments even if I could pay for it.
American Express called to say they want the money for those plane tickets to Florida I bought and to show me they are serious they have closed my account.

So with this slow moving huge mass that has cast such a shadow over my life I am going back to my markers for personal disaster to see if it is time to panic.

Are you carrying around food in your pockets that you have stolen?
Are you trying to figure out how to sleep on public transportation without getting robbed?
Are you currently washing your armpits in the sink of the Greyhound bus station?

No, No, and No.
I am having a pretty good day then.
The beautiful thing is - it's true.

10:36AM - Trifles

First there is a perfectly good reason I am not in advertising.


"I enjoy Zooland Biscuits because sometimes you just need a little cock!"



Second, if you have ever lay awake at night wondering if you ask a kid in Great Britain to make a noise like a frog - does he make the same noise as a kid in Japan?
This website will answer all your burning questions: Buzzpeek
*spolier alert - cats sound the same everywhere.

Third, I ate the cock - I admit it.

10:15AM - What I am Worth

I have been making things my whole life.
I was wielding my safety scissors at six with the expertise of a third grader as I made a construction paper scene of the missing settlers at Roanoke. I swear I am not making that up. I was altogether obsessed with the infant Virginia Dare.
Their bodies were little brown cones taped awkwardly together but the faces (asymmetrical ovals taped to toothpicks and dangled into the cone) were drawn carefully on with markers that smelled like fruit. My friend Eric immediately wanted dead baby Virginia in her coffin and after much consternation I just handed it over him. The scene wasn't quite right after that. Eventually the dog lay upon the already dejected settlers and the entire thing was discarded.

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